Monday, October 27, 2008

Do I Offend?

I’m not into bumper stickers and other forms of vehicular conversation. I prefer to blog. Be that as it may, I was shocked at what my friend encountered when she tried to obtain a vanity plate. All she wanted was “S.V.G.” on her plate. The state of PA couldn't approve it on the grounds it might be offensive. Isn't that a violation of her right to free speech? She explained that it stood for “Secret Vette Girl.” Well, that sensitive matter has to go to a supervisor. There’s our taxpayer dollars at work.

SVG. Hmm. Come on everyone. Join in. Come up with offensive matter that fits the acronym. It’s not that easy. I came up with one. Share amongst yourselves. This is fun.

Anyway, how about those flapping balls (testicles) that truck drivers hang off the back of their rigs? That’s what I call offensive. "Mommy, why does that truck have boy parts?" Maybe my friend should add big rubber boobies to her grill or a vagina muffler? Let’s have motorists remove sex parts before we start worrying about the now maligned letters S, V and G. Somebody quick alert Sesame Street. The alphabet better start flying under the radar.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Powell's Endorsement

I’m thrilled Colin Powell articulated so specifically what I think about the upcoming election and candidates. I’ve been arguing the same points, but felt as if I was missing something. I sometimes feel like I’m at the kids’ table when it comes to politics. Not so surprising given my family (Uncle Chris is host of MSNBC's Hardball and Uncle Jim is our county commish). The only thing I was missing was confidence in my beliefs.

I’m not a political junkie like my best friend. She’s a die-hard Democrat addicted to MSNBC. She’ll tell you what she thinks loud and clear. Our differences go back to college. While she was reading the latest edition of Mother Jones, I was rallying with the young Republicans at Temple University. There were about five of us. It was a liberal school to say the least. I ran for student council on a ticket that included an African American male and a homosexual white male. You’d think we would have had it wrapped up on diversity alone – a regular rainbow coalition. We lost because we were young Republicans. Even the Democratic white supremacist students got more votes. So, even when it was super unpopular, I was a proud Republican.

But this administration’s execution of the Republican ideology has fallen woefully short and has been reshaped into something unrecognizable. McCain is guilty by more than just association. So, I’ll be a Republican voting for a Democrat.

God, I miss Ronald Reagan.

Door-to-Door No More

Unless you’re a cute little kid selling something tasty or a politician, don’t knock on my door. Ever. It’s an invasion of privacy and annoying. How come we can put our phone numbers on do not call lists but any old psycho can come to our home and knock on the door?

Years ago I would share polite discourse with Jehovah Witnesses on the merits of Evangelization. But after several magazine sales pitches from prison release workers, I’m done with the niceties. I miss my German shepherd.

Do you know any landscape companies that specialize in moats and drawbridges?

Oh, Deer

On my way into a 3 a.m. show at QVC, I hit a deer on the highway. It was horrifying. I thought for sure I had swerved into the path of a tractor-trailer. The poor deer didn't fair so well. Let's just say Bambi is out there looking for his mama.

Black with fur trim looks very chic, but not when it’s your car. Five panels of my car were destroyed and I couldn’t open my door. The amount of damage was amazing. I managed to do my airing and sell demilune cabinets. The show must go on. Dedication or dementia?

A psychic told me it was karma - or would that be carma? I feel like all the good will I built up with animals from being a vegetarian has been erased. Since the accident I've had to avoid several more deer. Are they after me? It’s pretty darn dangerous out there.

Last year in Pennsylvania, there were 2,487 deer-related auto accidents (eight were fatal for humans). I was lucky and the thousands of dollars in repairs will be covered by my insurance.

Here are five tips AAA Mid-Atlantic offered in the fall issue of Philadelphia Power Drive.
1- Observe deer crossing signs. Decrease speed and drive defensively in areas with high deer population.
2- Be alert. Honk your horn to scare deer away from roadsides.
3- Never swerve (like me). Slow down and brake instead.
4- If a collision with a deer is unavoidable, slow down and release your foot from the brake before impact. This raises the front end of the car during the crash and increases the likelihood the deer will go under the car instead of through the windshield.
5- Wear your seatbelt.

White Wedding

My brother’s wedding was a blast. The reception was one of the best I’ve ever attended. The only thing more beautiful than the weather was the bride.

A lot of money is spent on weddings, but you can’t buy good vibes. They had those in abundance. The evening ended (all too soon) with a rousing rendition of John Denver’s “Take Me Home” to honor Jessica’s home state and family. Everyone circled around the couple and belted out “West Virginia, mountain momma….”